What’s Under Your Umbrella
by Robin Milner, MA, LPCC, CM
September 13, 2024
In the field of psychology, anger is often referred to as the secondary emotion, meaning there is another primary emotion underneath it that is resulting in or fueling anger. Like the warning light that pops up on the dashboard of your car, anger is a warning sign that something needs attention. Anger is trying to tell you something: alert you to a violation, an unmet need, or an attack on your self-worth. And much like the warning lights on your dashboard, anger will not go away until the underlying cause is resolved.
Another way to look at anger is to imagine it as an umbrella that pops open. It is what comes up first, but there is something underneath it. Imagine an umbrella represents anger and underneath the umbrella are various emotions like sadness, frustration, guilt, disrespect, embarrassment, anxiety, shame, disappointment, insecurity, fear, unmet needs, betrayal, and violated boundaries, which we will look at more closely later
As you can see, there are many emotions under anger, and this is not an exhaustive list. Let us look at an example of what could be under anger: Mary lost her job, and she feels angry. What might be causing her anger? Is she really feeling anxious and/or guilty, but she is unaware of these emotions? It is important for Mary to identify her underlying emotions and process them. What might she be anxious about? Perhaps not being able to pay her bills or get another job. How can she address these fears? Often, taking action can alleviate fear. She can focus on updating her resume and applying for new jobs. What about her feeling of guilt? Did she do something at work that may have resulted in her losing her job? What can she determine to do differently in her next job? If you are unaware of the true feelings underneath your anger, you cannot take action to resolve it. You need to look deeper.
How about Harry who had a fight with his wife and feels angry? Could he really have felt disrespected? What can he say to his wife that might bring understanding and resolution? He might say, “I felt disrespected when you interrupted me in front of our friends. Can you please wait until I am done talking before you speak?” His wife may not have realized she was being perceived as disrespectful and could not understand why Harry was angry at her. This communication can bring new understanding and an opportunity for Harry and his wife to interact differently, so that Harry does not feel disrespected. As you can see, the emotion underneath the anger is what is really going on and needs to be addressed. We can’t address and/or correct what we are not able to identify. The next time you feel angry, consider what is fueling it. There is always something underneath anger.
Now we will expound on one of the primary emotions under the umbrella: violated boundaries. Looking at personal boundaries more closely can help us identify what has been violated. These are the five basic boundaries that when violated can result in anger. They are our:
- Sense of self-worth
- Goals and Desires
- Unmet Needs
- Values/Beliefs
- Fears
Consider the following examples:
Example 1. Think of an instance when your loved one did not come home at their regular time. You were afraid something may have happened to them (violating your fear) but as soon as they arrive home you feel angry and may yell at them, saying, “Where have you been? Why didn’t you call me and say you would be late!?” An argument most likely will ensue when all the while it is the fear that they were hurt that was underlying your reaction of anger. When you are aware of the real emotion of fear, you can tell your loved one that you were worried something had happened to them and a very different response would likely be given.
Example 2. You are sound asleep, and your spouse turns the light on to find his shoes and wakes you. You feel angry. What boundary is being violated? Your need for sleep. Instead of being angry at your spouse, let him know that he woke you and determine how he can arrange to have his things ready for the day without turning the light on.
Example 3. You see a toddler in a store with no parent in sight and anger begins to rise up in you. Your belief and value that a parent needs to be close by to protect their child has just been violated. What can you do instead of stewing? Perhaps turning your attention to locating the parent and reuniting them would ease your anger.
Example 4. Having to work full-time to support yourself gets in the way of your goal and desire to go to college. Can you find a way to start working towards your goal by taking one or two courses online or in the evening? Instead of being angry, take action to make a plan and find a way to fulfill your dream.
Again, you can see how anger is not the real issue that needs to be addressed when boundaries are violated. The next time you feel angry, ask yourself, “What boundary may have been violated; what other emotion is underneath my anger?” Address the real issue and get free from anger.
Robin is a Care Manager for Elder Options and has a passion to advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves and provide them with the care and dignity each of us deserve.